I couldn’t pick a title for this post. I say this to myself sometimes in the morning (to the tune of Neil Sedaka’s hit) (1962 version). I’ve said it to my kids. It has more than one meaning.
“Choose to be optimistic, it feels better.”
- Dalai Lama XIV
I’ve said before how I feel like I have been asleep, and it’s about time I wake the fuck up. I’ve finally realized some things about myself. Here’s one thing that keeps running through my mind. (I don’t know that I’ll have the balls to hit “publish” but I’ll write it anyway). (And why the fuck do I feel the need to write things down? And then publish them? You should see the stuff I don’t publish. Or perhaps it’s better that you don’t.) (Parenthetically speaking)
I’ve been thinking about love and compassion. I’ve been meditating on what is important in my life, who is important. And certain things have become very clear. I know now that I am in love with my wife. A year ago I wasn’t sure. It hurts to write that but it’s the truth – I was on the fence, feeling a bit like an outsider in my own home. I was too wrapped up in myself to see what I really had. I was full of “I want this” or “I need that.” I was all about me me me all the time. I could write for days but I think that’s plenty.
What an asshole.
This sounds like bullshit when I write it down, but it’s true – I see now that I just want her to be happy, to laugh and smile and be able to sleep at night. All the good things. I want her to achieve her goals and realize her dreams; yes certainly, I want to be the one to help her do these things and to be a big part of her life, but it doesn’t change how I feel if that isn’t in the cards.
It has been liberating to me to realize I feel this way, regardless of how she feels about me. This sounds like a cheesy Hallmark card or something. It’s not because she tells me what I want to hear (she doesn’t tell me much right now, actually), it’s not based on some mental image I have constructed. This isn’t some attempt to make myself feel better because of what a shit I have been. I see this is true after spending most of our lives together. This realization helps put obstacles in perspective, because they ultimately don’t really matter.
I’m no catch, I know this. I’m a pain in the ass, in fact, and anyone who deals with me has to deal with plenty of bullshit. OMG I know she has put up with more than anyone should have to already. I still am too focused on myself many times, or wrapped up in insignificant details and distractions. I know I have lots of work to do.
Fuck, I don’t know how to wrap this up. Look, otters!
And since I seem to love quoting him, here’s one more from the Dalai Lama:
“All suffering is caused by ignorance. People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their own happiness or satisfaction”
Finally for the stubborn among you that made it all the way down here, cutest blogger ever.
