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Driving in a strange vehicle is one of my favorite things to do, but wow there can be a learning curve.

My daughter and I took a road trip over the weekend, and I was trying to learn some of the features as we went.

It has a navigation computer. Okay, you can’t type the address while you are on the highway, so I tried using the voice prompt. Anyone who knows me also knows that understanding me can be, well, challenging. The computer was not up to the task.

This happened:

Daughter: I’m hungry. Can I have McDonalds?

Me: Sure, let’s find one. (presses button)

Car: State your request.

Me: Find McDonalds

Car: Please use a question, such as ‘Find Nearest Gas Station.’

Me: Find nearest McDonalds.

Car: Here is a list of nearby hotels. Choose a line number.

Me: No, McDonalds (speaking slower and louder)

Car: Invalid command. Please use a question, or say “back” to go to previous screen.

Me: Find nearest fast food.

Car: Here is a list of nearby post offices. Choose a line number.

This went on for a while, and eventually I gave up on it telling me anything useful about McDonalds or “food” or anything. I remembered there should be a McDonalds a couple of towns ahead of us, assuming it hadn’t shut down or moved in the last year or so since I was there last. I wanted to get an idea of how soon we might arrive, so then this happened:

Me: Find Mexia

Car: What?

Me: Mexia.

Car: Please spell the name of the city.

Me: M… E… X…

Car: Next what? Learn to talk you damn hick.

Sequences may be shortened.

I also may have paraphrased the car’s replies a little. You don’t want to know what the car thought when I said Jesus Jumping Christ on a cracker.

Other notes: The air blows cold enough to give me mild frostbite, there are shift paddles where the cruise controls are positioned in the other car (oops), and OMG y’all: XM Radio is the fucking BOMB. Why didn’t somebody tell me about this sooner? No commercials, decent sound, and not having to hunt through 100 country stations to find the one station that has rock, just to drive out of range ten minutes later.

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Not worth cash

0805091241.jpgMy clunker

0805091241.jpg

Originally uploaded by silly old bear.

Well, this is a crappy picture, because of the glare. If it weren’t so glaring, you would see over 141K miles on the odometer, and over 300 miles on the trip odometer with about 1/8 a tank of gas left (still gets about 30 mpg at 19 years old). I took the picture while stuck in “traffic” at lunch.

Thanks to the high miles per gallon, no it doesn’t qualify for Tax for Clunkers program. Even if it did, I’m not sure I’d want somebody destroying a perfectly fine automobile just so I could make car payments on a $25,000 new car. A car that probably wouldn’t last for 20 years. Not sure at all.

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Last summer, after Midas fucked up my car, I took it to my “regular” mechanic. Now, you would think I would know better than to let Midas fuck up my car, but I was under the mistaken impression that their warranty meant something and they had worked on it before. They finally managed to get the brakes workable (I won’t say “fixed” cuz they aren’t) but they were clueless about the cooling system.

So my mechanic installed a new, heavy duty radiator (after 100,000 miles the old one was, shall we say, tired) and some other stuff and fixed me up right and sent me on my way. No problem.

Some time later, I noticed that the temperature gauge would go up and down, and when I checked the fluid levels they had dropped. So I’d add water and go on. This went on for a while.

I finally took it in to my mechanic, and didn’t even consider letting Midas fuck it up again. (You notice I’m saying “Midas” and “fucked” and “car” a lot? I’m not usually a vindictive person, but for once I’m hoping to use my google powers for good, if even one person decides to not go to Midas, I have accomplished my mission).

Anyway, they had it all day. This shop is a throwback to the days of old (when Knights were bold, no wait, not quite that far back). They understand cars. They love cars. They tell you in no-nonsense terms what they are doing. If you hang out there, you will hear them on the phone, calling for prices on parts, looking for services, dealing with customers. No phony crap, they are all business, and good people. So I had no problem leaving the car with them, knowing it would be fixed. What I didn’t know is how much it would cost.

Let’s just say that there isn’t any room in the budget for car repairs right now. Gas? We can barely afford. Repairs? Forget it. No. Room.

So Monday afternoon I called and they said they were test driving it and come get it. My wife dropped me and my son off, I saw the owner – he said there was no charge since they had worked on it before and he didn’t think they did it right last summer. No charge. You could have knocked me over.

So we’re waiting outside for them to bring the car around, and I see him stop (he’s filling out something on a clipboard while sitting in the car across the way). My son says “Does he know how to drive your car?” I said yes, of course, he’s a very good driver, and in fact drives race cars.” “Really?”

So we go back in and I point to the gaggle of trophies on the shelves, the pictures on the wall, the newspaper articles in the frames. He’s been racing a long time, and doing rather well. He loves it. So my son, being the curious sort, asks him “Did you win first place with all these?” “Yep. And there’s another twenty five or so trophies at home.” Starts showing him pictures, my son’s eyes get wider.

“Want to come see the race car?” “SURE!”

So we go back, through the maze, outside and into another garage where the race cars live. “It’s a little banged up, we went into the wall on Saturday. The pace car hit me and put me into the wall.”

So, with his blessing, my son dives through the window and into the seat (his tiny little but fits easily into the bucket seat, I don’t think I would have even fit through the window). Strapped into the five way harness. Steering wheel re-installed, we talked about the gauges and such. My boy was clearly thrilled to be there.

“Wanna start it up?” “SURE!”

So our friend unclips the hood real quick (to make sure the cat wasn’t sleeping in there), rocks the car to make sure it’s out of gear, throws a couple of switches, and then my boy pushes the start button.

This was the loudest damn BMW I have ever heard. I’m just saying. The building shook.

My son was ready to head out to the track, but we all agreed he needed to grow a little bit so he could reach the pedals and see over the hood. But dang, that was fun. I don’t know who enjoyed it more – me or him.

You’ll never get that kind of service at Midas. (yes, 24 hours later I’m Google’s #1 for Midas Fucked)

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