Click here to view the embedded video.

“Which barefoot shoes do you have?”

edit to say: I realize that as sporadic as I write things (and where I write various things) that you may not know this about me; so while it feels a little like stealing the punch line from a joke, I wanted to add this- I run barefoot, and have generally for almost two years. Did a couple miles this morning, in fact. I’m not preachy about it, I have heard all of these things at some point (thank you, internet). Yes, I’ve read Born to Run. I do not run in “barefoot shoes” but I do have some funky sandals I made myself from a kit (not surprisingly I purchased the kit from the guy who made this video, he’s great). I prefer to be barefoot but not if it makes other people uncomfortable.

OK, enough about that, if you wanna hear more about it just ask, I promise I will never make you take your shoes off to visit my blog.

Not bragging, too much, but I spent a while at work and finished a huge fucking project.   I would love to share both the weather and my accomplishment, but of course I’ve driven everyone truly important out of my life.  So I’m having a beer and watching Date Night on cable (“…And will you, for the love of God, put on a fucking shirt?“) and getting annoyed that there is an F1 key on this laptop where my old (now busted) netbook had an ESC key.

I do have the blinds open, some.  And I’m about to dig in to some leftovers.  A real wild man.

I’m usually busy watching zombie movies, or aliens, or football. Or maybe a raunch comedy about middle age guys that get lost in Vegas or something.

Zombies playing football? Would be awesome. Messy, and probably pretty short. Awesome, though.

Since I think I’m stuck in one, how do the Lifetime movies usually end? Is it happily ever after? Does the bad guy win? Riding off into the sunset or does the city burn to the ground?

Zombie movies are pretty predictable. So is football. I like to pretend my life movie is still in production.

(you can stop laughing any time)

This post was sent from my phone (which is smarter than I am) and was a very short post saying something along the lines of my home computer is dying a painful death so if I want to post it will have to be from my phone.

…and obviously that didn’t work so well. If I post by email it has to be text only and my program must be adding some html or other bs to the body of the message (which is why only the subject line posts).

I’m sorry, you’ll have to just do without my witty wonderfulness until I have access to a computer to post from or until I figure out how to make my phone more blog friendly or something.

Gozer: Sub-creatures! Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, the Traveller has come! Choose and perish!

Ray Stantz: What do you mean, choose? We don’t understand!

Gozer: Choose! Choose the form of the Destructor!

Peter Venkman: Oh, I get it. Real cute! [to the others] Whatever we think of– if we think of J. Edgar Hoover, J. Edgar Hoover will appear and destroy us, Okay? So empty your heads, don’t think of anything. We’ve only got one shot at this.

Gozer: The choice is made!

I’ve been reading a lot about depression over the past several months, trying to understand a bit more about myself. I often think of my depression as ‘crippling.’ But compared to what I read?

It’s not.

I have a job. I’ve held the same job for over a decade and have had fewer than a dozen jobs in the last thirty years. I don’t have a problem keeping a house. I don’t have a real problem getting out of bed (most days). My health is OK (but could be better).

I’m not stuck to my couch. I am paralyzed in many social situations, but that’s because I’m a dork, not because I’m depressed. I don’t engage in many self-destructive behaviors, the worst of which is I like wine.

But then, I realized what I keep doing. I cannot stand myself, I can’t enjoy what I have, I can’t just be happy.

I will take all that is good in my life and fuck it up. I will hurt the ones I love repeatedly. It may take a day, it may take a year, it may take 28 years, but I’m extremely thorough, I will destroy any happiness I have.

I am the Marshmallow Man.

And for now, at least, the only way I feel I can stop hurting my friends, family, and loved ones, is to stay away. I’m fucking done. I’m tired of causing tears, and crying them myself. I feel toxic.

My son and I had a huge argument tonight, because he made a mistake, and because I feel like he will keep making the same mistake again and again. I want to believe him when he says “I won’t do it again,” but history has shown this isn’t the case. History has shown he will say whatever he feels he must in order to get what he wants.

So now I’m at the point of: Do I believe the words, or do I go by what I have seen in the past?

There is no right answer. I fucking HATE being lied to. And I feel like he will say anything to avoid responsibility, to avoid a consequence. I hate resorting to punitive measures, but he simply is not responding to anything else. Am I making a bad situation worse? Am I just coping? Am I taking my own frustrations out on my kid?

God damn I wish I had the answer to these, and other, questions.

moving

the kindness of a total stranger can be.

They will probably never see this, but I have to say thank you, I am touched.

The sun will come out tomorrow, I’m sure.

Thanks.

I look in the corner of the screen and the clock says “6:00 AM.” I check my watch, and sure enough, 7 AM. I’ve already warned my son that he only has a few minutes left to sleep. This bugs me – why is the computer clock off by an hour?

I check the phone – 6:02 AM. (two minutes have passed, heh). My watch still insists it is after 7.

Then I realize what I did. When my alarm went off at 5, I set it for an hour later since I wasn’t running this morning. Checking the alarm on my watch – sure enough, it’s still set at 5; I had changed the time instead and then dreamed I had slept through the later alarm, when it fact I had just dozed for 15 minutes.

Now I have to find something to do for an hour. Huh.

Thanks to my mad photographic skillz, you can see what this is like. Sorta.