And with Ben’s return comes an end to our guest posts.  If I’ve made you laugh or have nurtured your hatred of Britney Spears, then I have done my job. 

I, for one, am extremely glad that Ben is back and hope that he had a chance to rest, because if anyone deserves it, you guys do!

And so I leave you with this: What do you say to an adult toy company when they contact you shortly after your order has arrived to check for your satisfaction of the product you ordered and services in general?

“The delivery was a bit anti-climaxic”

Ben was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.  “I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

The morning, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!  He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster… everything there was.  Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.  He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.  Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s.  What a fabulous adventure!  Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.  He leaned over his wife with a big smile and  lovingly asked, “Well Dear, what was it like being six again??”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. I meant my dress size, you idiot!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

My kids are driving me crazy.  In a very. fast. car.

Did I mention that Las Vegas is T-minus: Three Days and a few minutes?

Man: Poison Control, how can I help you?

Me: Umm…hi…my daughter sort of ingested something that I’m not sure she should have and I’m wondering if she’s going to drop dead or just be sick or what…

Man: Okay, what exactly did she take?

Me: Ummmmm…..lube….

Man: You mean like lubrication for doors and cars?  Motor oil or similar?

Me: Ummm….more like…personal…..lubrication…

Man: You mean like a douche?

Me: No, I mean like….ummm…KY.

It was at this point that the man on the other end told me to hold for a moment.  After two minutes of holding and watching my daughter to make sure she didn’t drop into seizures, he came back on the line.

Man: Okay ma’m (doesn’t that make you feel old?  I know it’s just polite, but it makes me feel extremely ancient) I just double-checked with my supervisor because we didn’t have that information immediately available (what, are we the only idiots who leave the KY right next to the bed for easy access?) but we believe she’ll just have some slight diarrhea and that should be all.

The underlying tone of his voice was this: Ma’m…don’t be an idiot and leave your sexual toys or their lubrication out when you have children.  We know your son found your vibrator and thought it was a spaceship, but now the KY incident is too much and has forced us to call DCF on you.

He REALLY said: Have a nice day.

Heroes.  Kids watch “caped” heroes on television all the time.  Even as a adults we have our heroes and idols that we love to feel attached to or to look up to.  But not all heroes wear capes.

When you look at the Anatomy of an Adoption, it is clear that it takes some extraordinary people to handle the maze of legal and paper borne obstacles to make this happen.  Even those willing to do the paperwork, in far too many cases, will only accept a newborn for adoption.  Much is also often made of the people that go to third world countries to rescue children from third world countries ( i.e. Angelina Jolie), but again most of these children are newborns, or at least very young infants.

As any parent knows all too well, children don’t come with an instruction manual.  We depend on a learn as you go process, and grow into the role as parents as our children mature.  The simple fact is that when you adopt a child that is older, they are starting with a leg up on the parents, not to mention the other physical and emotional baggage that may already come with a child that is not a newborn/infant.  It takes special people to be able handle all these circumstances, people that always have th the”>e best interest of the child at heart, even when it breaks their own. People that see children and not “black” and “white” children.

Far too many children get lost in the system in this country, because at times it seems that the children that are in foster care are like puppies at the pound.  The older you get, the less likely it is that somebody wants to take you home.  But these are not puppies, they are children, children who need love.  And for 3 lucky children a certain superhero (and his wife of course), have flown in to save the day.  True heroes.  No Cape necessary.
 

“Well, sweetie,” I told my daughter, “I have not showered yet this morning.” 

 ”No, Mommy.  You smell like you and Daddy wet the bed last night!” 

 Me: *blink, blink* 

My daughter throws back the covers and points to a wet spot in the sheets: “You DID have an accident last night!” She bends over and sniffs at the wetness. “But it doesn’t smell like pee pee.”

Me: *blink, blink*

Then she hops off the bed, tells me to wash the sheets today, and runs off to finish watching The Fox and the Hound.

WHEW!  I dodged a bullet there, didn’t I?

 I get the Susie Homemaker Virus every few months, where I furiously clean and clean and clean.  Then, of course, we must throw a party!  My husband loves it when we’ve scheduled a party, since he knows that the house will get cleaned thoroughly.  Any other time, I’m chasing three young kids around, so I’m lucky to keep up with the dishes and the laundry. One does have to live in their house, right?  I always clean the house before we leave on vacation.  After all, what if something happens to us and our families have to be in our home to gather insurance policies or get stuff for the girls? Ever think of that? Well, I do.

So he’s gone and he left the keys to the kingdom to me…as well as to anyone else who smiled and promised sexual favors.  I do have my own site, but just because I could, I decided to go under an anonymous name. 

It’s kind of like when you go out for a first date.  You meet the person and head for dinner (or movies…whatever).  The date goes fine but you’re still really nervous.  Then your date decides they want to go to a bar to get to know each other a bit better.  So you head to the bar and your nervousness causes you to drink more then you regularly would.  Now, since you don’t have a head for alcohol anyway, a few drinks and you’re three sheets in the wind.  Another drink or two and you find yourself dancing on the table and crawling all over your date hoping to get lucky.

That’s what anonymous posting is like!  On your own site you set a tone, and people expect that.  If you have a family blog, you talk about that, if you have a sex blog, you talk about that, if you have a political blog..well..God help you cause no one else will.  But here, I can be whomever I want!  I can discuss family or annoying friends or my deviant sexual encounters…you pick!  (but God no politics, because then I’d have to cut my eye out with a spoon).  So tell me, dear readers, what do you want to discuss?